That’s how I can describe my middle child – strong-willed. It seems that no matter how patient I am, how many options I give him, how many times I count to three, or how many threats of taking something away, he will stand his ground. I needed to understand that a part of it may be environmental, but another part of it is how he was created. So what can we do with a strong-willed child? Or better put, what can we do for a strong-willed child?
It begins with examining ourselves. Am I angry because of outside factors, such as fatigue, embarrassment, feeling weak? Am I showing unconditional love even though they are acting in the moment in a very unlovable way? I say “moment” because when my son is in his “normal mood”, which is majority of the time, he is the most smiley, playful, interactional child. Unconditional love is when you love your child during good times and bad times. Show them you love them by trying to communicate at their level, in a calm manner, trying to understand the situation and seeing their perspective, while explaining your own perspective, giving them a hug or hold their hand.
Asking more questions and letting them brainstorm a solution, than constantly giving demands is a good idea. Examples:
- Child: “I don’t want to put on my jacket” (it’s cold and rainy outside).
- Parent: “Would you feel better being warm or wet and cold?”
- Child: “I don’t care. I don’t want my jacket.”
- Parent: “Okay, well we are offering it to you. Why do we wear jackets? Is it because we’re mean or do we want you to stay warm and not catch a cold?”(And sometimes they will stand their ground and have to learn the hard way, like feeling the coldness or getting a little sniffly for a learning lesson in the future).
- There are times when we absolutely should not give permission for the child to make choices, such as crossing the street alone, going to a public place alone, and anything that could be dangerous.
When I remind myself, being a “strong-willed child” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just means they are persistent and passionate, a trait that a lot of careers would demand. As long as he or she learns to stop and think about decisions in order to get the best solution.
Good resources I’ve found:
- Discipline that connects with your child’s heart by Jim and Lynne Jackson
- Pitchin’ a fit by Israel and Brook Wayne